This morning my husband fixed breakfast for the boys like he does every morning. It’s usually something simple, like frozen pancakes or frozen waffles. Sometimes my oldest wants cereal and the middle one wants oatmeal. Nothing too difficult or fancy. Breakfast used to be my job. My husband used to work an hour away so he would leave early before they even awoke. Back in September he got a job in our town! Woo hoo for me! This thrills me! I’m able to sleep in a bit longer every morning. I’m getting to the point.

Today he made the boys Toaster Strudels. The 6 year old was overjoyed. Anything with icing gets him all riled up. The oldest? UNGRATEFUL. Nothing new there though. He said he doesn’t like Toaster Strudels. Whatever. I tell him to get his ass up and in the kitchen so he can pick out something else he’d like to have. Did he? No.

He came into the kitchen barefoot complaining. I asked him to pick out something and he walked off. I asked him to get his socks and shoes on, then decide on something. We are running out of time! I went ahead and fixed him some frozen mini pancakes. About 9 on the plate. I put a small container of syrup next to it so he could dip. I usually just topa stack of pancakes off with syrup, but since they were mini’s I opted for the dipping idea.

After about 10 minutes I went to check on his progress and he was in the floor, still putting on socks while watching cartoons. Pissed me off. I yell at him to get his ass in the kitchen so he doesn’t have to starve this morning! He starts in on me saying that I don’t like him, that I don’t love him. That if I really cared about him I would just fix him something else to eat. REALLY? YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

My love for him is apparently conditional on the fact that I’m supposed to bend over backwards to be at his beckon call. If I don’t? Well then I just don’t care about him. I’m so pissed. I just don’t get how he’s so ungrateful and selfish! My other 2 children aren’t nearly as bratty and self righteous.

I said “you know what? You’re right. I don’t like bratty, selfish, ungrateful children. Do you fall into that category?” and I walked out of the room.

He finally gets into the kitchen, looks around and somehow can’t see the food I sat out for him on the counter and yells at me half a sentence before he sees the pancakes and shuts up. Good idea I’m thinking because I’m about to rip him a new one. I wake up the youngest and begin getting him dressed.

Then from the kitchen I hear “Where is my syrup?!?” I yell “right next to the fucking pancakes!”

He’s always like this! The look on his face showed injustice. He really and truly feels mistreated. I can see it in his eyes that he feels that he’s the victim. I think that he’s going to look back on his childhood and feel that it sucked. That mom yelled too much, that no one was nice to him, that he never got what he wanted. He has to share his toys with his brothers and his time with his family. I guess that’s just terrible.

I understand what it’s like being the oldest. Being asked to look after your younger siblings. To share your snacks, your toys, your games. That’s just part of it. He says all the time that he wishes another family would adopt him. His life is not that fucking terrible! On days when he’s needed to be disciplined he tells me that it’s child abuse and that he’s going to call the police on me. YOU HEARING THIS?

My own kid gets so upset when he doesn’t get his way that he is threatening me with the police!!! I explain to him that if  he was removed from this house that he would end up in foster care. I try to describe foster care as best as I understand it. He would be with strangers. I explain the entire situation. He still thinks that alternative would be better. I wish I could use some kind of scare tactic to show him what the life he imagines as better isn’t at all what the thinks it would be.

He wants new toys constantly. I explained that shit isn’t free. That if he wants new toys he needs to do chores and help around the house to earn the money needed to pay for those toys. I’ve encouraged him to save for a specific toy. I think having a goal would make him more excited. But no. He’s just pissy. He says I get what I want when I want it and it’s only fair that he does. He thinks that he should get a toy every time we go to the store. I’ve actually had to stop taking him with me on all shopping trips because he’s a complete asshole at Walmart AND Krogers. Doesn’t matter where we go, he feels injustice.

All I know is I feel like a failure as a mother to him. Why can’t I get him to understand? How is he so rotten and the other two seem completely normal? Behavior wise, he feels wronged. I can explain til I’m blue in the face that his behavior and his words hurt me. That he feels wronged? So do i! I feel hurt, disappointed, hopeless. Most days I don’t want to be around him. I don’t enjoy spending any time with him because he’s just not nice to be around. He’s mean, spiteful and disrespectful. He won’t listen to me despite all my threats, screaming, yelling and discipline.

I don’t enjoy being with my son. What’s a mother to do?

I’m defeated.

I’m tired.

I’m lost.

I want to work on this relationship. I want to enjoy being around my kid, but right now, today, in this moment, it feels hopeless.